Albus Dumbledore and his Grim Reaper
by ZebJeb
Summary: A parody of the "Harry gets sent back in time by Grim Reaper" stories, from the point of view of an Albus Dumbledore who doesn't know about the time travel. *One Shot*


Author Note - For those following this story, there is no content change. I just added some line breaks. I didn't realize they disappeared with the upload.

Albus Dumbledore was dying. He was not dying in battle, or surrounded by dear friends, or even comfortably in his bed at Hogwarts. None the less, he could feel his magic beginning to drain from his body, his breathing becoming more difficult, and he knew that his end would be upon him soon. As he reflected upon his life, he couldn't understand how things had gotten him from his position as Headmaster of his beloved alma mater, to a disgraced wizard dying on a cot found in the corner of his brother's storeroom (where he suspected his body would go unnoticed for several days).

It all seemed to be going so well, until the start of Harry Potter's fourth year at Hogwarts. Certainly, there had been bumps in the road. Harry's childhood with the Dursleys had been far from happy, and his three years had been much more tumultuous than Albus had wanted. Despite all the bumps, Harry had finished his third year still trusting Albus and amazingly still able to love. Albus hated that Harry was going to die at a young age, but there was simply no way that Harry could possibly defeat Voldemort. So, the plan to give Harry some happiness in his childhood while preparing him to sacrifice his life was the only viable plan, and it was still on track.

Then, Harry arrived at the start of his fourth year and everything changed. Harry now seemed to hate Albus, had access to previously unknown power and skill, a new-found fortune, titles from seemingly random family lines that Albus was sure had died out long ago, and an unknown source of highly confidential information that he should have never been able to know. Harry had then proceeded to demonstrate a previously non-existent political acumen, which rapidly netted him a powerful collection of allies. Albus, fearing Harry had been possessed by the scar horcrux, confronted him on multiple occasions. How Albus hoped that there was a reasonable explanation that would let him believe this was truly Harry, and not Voldemort. If it was Harry, it would have been marvelous as it would mean that they could work together and there would be true hope that the dear boy would not need to die. But, this new "Harry" would not cooperate and Albus eventually came to the terrible conclusion that Harry Potter was gone and his body was now fully possessed by Voldemort (though he held a small hope that the dear boy would someday find a way to retake his body). From the day of that conclusion, Albus dedicated himself to the destruction of this new "Harry Potter". Much to his chagrin, this dedication was not enough.

Very quickly, "Harry Potter" had managed to use his alliances, wealth, and power to strip Albus of his positions, awards, his reputation, and somehow even tricked Albus into making an Unbreakable Vow to never leave his brother's Inn. Eventually, "Harry" very publicly defeated an apparently resurrected Voldemort and every Death Eater using some unknown ritual that for some reason also drained all the Death Eaters of their magic upon the death of Voldemort. "Harry" then used his popularity to somehow take control of the government and rewrite all the laws such that all inequality was removed from the magical world. Albus watched all this as an ignored wizard, unable to convince people of the hidden danger, and unable to leave his prison to make any difference.

If Albus could be certain "Harry" really was Harry Potter, then he would have been overjoyed by this result. From a surface level, the light had won the war and Harry Potter was alive and able to lead the light for many years to come. But, Albus knew that "Harry" was really Voldemort, and he dreaded what would happen to the world when the true dark agenda was finally revealed.

Back on his cot, Albus felt the world begin to dim and he knew his time was done. His final thoughts were questions to the universe. What happened to Harry Potter? What is Voldemort going to do? What could he have done differently? How did this happen? Where am I?

To be a bit more accurate, that last question was thought of after he died.

* * *

Albus Dumbledore was surprised to find himself sitting in a rather dull looking office. This certainly didn't seem like what he pictured the Next Great Adventure to be like. He knew there was no way to know for certain what it should be like, but he had thought maybe he would see loved ones, or famous old witches and wizards, or maybe just a vast field full of greenery. He certainly didn't expect to be sitting in a creaky old chair in front of a long-abused desk, in the dullest office he had ever seen, with a very angry looking man glaring at him from across the desk.

Hmm… perhaps he should have started with the angry looking man, as the man seemed to be getting increasingly irritated.

With a genial smile, Albus began to speak to the irate man. "Greetings, my good man, I seem to be at a loss at the moment for where I am and what is happening. Could you perhaps assist me?"

However, the irate man did not seem to be in an overly helpful mood and just ground out two words between his teeth, "Albus…. Dumbledore!"

Albus, having been addressed in angry tones for the last years of his life, was rather pleased to have the pleasant change of pace of being spoken to at all by someone who recognized him. As such, he remained unperturbed and replied, "I am indeed, my good man, and with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?"

The irate man stared at Albus for a long time (if any length of time can be considered long in a place that is inherently timeless), and then visibly forced himself to calm down before responding, "I am your Grim Reaper. I have a name, but I don't think you deserve to know it, so you can call me 'sir'. I am here to help you move on to your next stop. And, thankfully I can finally do just that and never have to deal with you again!"

Confused, Albus asked, "I don't recall ever having the pleasure of meeting you before. I am not sure when you would have had to… 'deal with me' before, and certainly have no idea how I could have engendered such anger. Can you please explain to me what caused you to feel such hatred for me?"

The Grim Reaper stared at Albus again (for some unspecified timeless amount of time), and then seemed to come to a decision. He waved his hand at Albus, silencing Albus. The Grim Reaper finally was ready to give Albus a piece of his mind.

"You want a reason? Fine, I'll give you the reason. But, I don't want to deal with your habit of asking a near endless stream of questions. I will let you ask one question at the end and then send you on your way. That said, the reason I hate you is very simple. Without malice on your part, and with great intentions, and despite us giving you an easy win as long you did your jobs as stated in your job descriptions, you keep on killing all sentient life on the planet Earth!"

"Technically, you don't directly destroy the planet yourself. You are simply the person ensuring all the players get to that conclusion. The problem is that on the occasions where Voldemort wins, he eventually attacks the non-magical world which results in a full-scale nuclear war within five years. On the occasions where Voldemort loses, your schemes have weakened the light side so much, that the dark side reasserts itself in short order and a full-scale nuclear war occurs within fifty years. Since we are in the business of keeping sentient life running on the planet, we have to step in to fix things. Normally, that wouldn't be a problem. We simply rollback time and remove the offender from reality. But, this time our hands were tied because Harry Potter is a prophecy child, and so only he is eligible to be moved back in time."

"And boy have we ever moved him back! Initially, we naively believed if we could get him to 17, then everything would be great. We still had to send him back for five separate deaths to just get him there, all because of your incompetence. But then we watched in horror as he willingly sacrificed himself according to your idiotic plan. His Reaper really ripped into him on that. So, he was told that 'this is your seventh and last chance at life' and was then set back with his memories of his previous life. He started to make some positive changes, which prompted you to label him as dark and he died in Azkaban. So, his memory was wiped of the attempt and was told again that 'this is your seventh and last chance at life', and you kept on determining he was dark and managing to kill him. We had to send him back HUNDREDS of 'seventh and final chances', changing his power set every time. We even occasionally convinced him he had soul mates who he could work with, going from one soul mate to entire harems. We have tried inserting memories into the Weasleys to make them seem like over the top villains to give him a minor foil to train against. Every single time, even when he killed you early on, you managed to enact some sort of obscure backup plan that still managed to delay him enough to prevent the light from winning the war fully and leading to extinction of sentient life on Earth."

"You know, I wouldn't be as mad if you were one of the Albus Dumbledores from an alternate universe where you were completely evil, or were really Gellert Grindewald in disguise, or were actually a puppet of an evil Minerva McGonagall. At least then those plans come from proper villains and it feels like a real battle between good and evil. You, though, are completely well-intentioned. You are just a brilliant man who believes himself competent when he is incredibly incompetent. I mean, your incompetent brilliance is so great that this latest time we ended up having to rewrite genetic lines and grant Harry Potter the powers of a Death God bound to a Heavenly Contract, and your brilliant brand of incompetence still almost overcame it all!"

"As a final note, remember how I mentioned we gave you an easy win? The reason you were there to hear the prophecy was because fate was rewarding you for a lifetime of defending the light. You were meant to hear the prophecy, and realize that the time had come to pass on the torch to the next generation. When the Potters died, you were meant to do the right thing and obey the wishes of Harry's parents and place him with the Longbottoms. When Sirius was captured, you were meant to do the right thing and ensure he got a trial which would have revealed the truth and start a chain reaction of keeping the Longbottoms safe, keeping Peter Pettigrew away from Hogwarts and preventing him from having up-to-date intelligence, and giving Harry a happy childhood where his Magical Core was not damaged. When Harry began school, you were meant to do the right thing and teach him to be prepared for anything. In short, had you simply followed the job descriptions of the jobs you held, Voldemort would have been defeated with minimum losses to the Light, and Harry's popularity would have given him the ability to inspire the people to actively defend the light and push away the darkness, thus preventing the mass extinction event. Seriously, you were meant to die peacefully in bed fifty years from now, surrounded by an entire gaggle of Potters and Longbottoms who loved you as a grandfather. Instead, you died alone on a cot in a disused corner of your estranged brother's filthy storeroom."

"There you go! Now you know why I hate you so much. You have been nothing but trouble and it will be my distinct pleasure to finally move you onto your next destination. And, though I regret offering it to you, I promised you one question before you moved on. What is your question?"

Albus indicated he still could not speak. Reluctantly, the Reaper waved his hand, and awaited the question. Despite not wanting to, the Reaper was curious what one question Albus would have after hearing about all the trouble that had been caused. What could he possibly ask to address everything that had been said?

Finally, Albus asked his question, "Well, it sounds like it all turned out well in the end. So, where I am going next, do you think they'll have lemon drops?"

"… I hate you!"


End file.
